Give a Dick! Get in line

          ▶PlaySP 0:00:15
        

Hey, grown-ups! It's here! (Almost.)

Someone out there deserves a dick!

It's digital! It's numbered! It's a cartoon! Some are worth more than your car!

Your email. We'll be discreet. Mostly.

I'm 18 or older.

Ages 18 and up. No spam. Just dick.

Wow! You're in! Premature Member You're early. Embarrassingly early. Want to cut the line? Every friend who joins with your link moves you up 10 spots!

*Not actually throbbing.

New!

Hot
throbbing
action!*

Hurry! Spots are going fast!

When they're gone, they're gone.

The first 100 of 100 claimed

First dibs on the 100 Founding Member spots at launch.

spots
left!

All gone! You snooze, you lose.

The first 1,000 of 1,000 claimed

A Premature Member card. It can never be bought, only waited for.

spots
left!

All gone! You snooze, you lose.

Collect them all!★Each sold separately!★As seen on TV!★Ages 18 and up!★Batteries not included!★ Collect them all!★Each sold separately!★As seen on TV!★Ages 18 and up!★Batteries not included!★

Look at all these features!

Real swipe-to-open action! It shows up wrapped. They decide when to swipe it open. We're not animals.

Surprise rarity inside! Common, Rare, Holo, Golden, Legendary. Even we don't know which one you'll get.

Numbered and limited! When they're gone, they're gone. One costs $1,000. Nobody has bought it. Yet.

Dick-off battle action! Challenge a friend. Winner keeps the loser's dick. Coming soon!

Collect all 60!

Series 1 hits the shelves soon. Here's a sneak peek at the lineup.

Your collection0 of 60

Embarrassing. Get on the list.

Rarities:CommonRareHoloGoldenLegendary

Give a Dick! #01/60

Sir Throbsalot Common

Give a Dick! #07/60

Big Earl Common

Give a Dick! #13/60

Lil' Wiener Rare

Give a Dick! #22/60

Count Dickula Holo

Give a Dick! #42/60

The Dickmaster General Golden

Give a Dick! #60/60

The Presidential Dick Legendary

$1,000!

Each sold separately. 54 more dicks classified until launch.

Testimonials!

People are already talking. Nobody has seen it.

★★★★★

"I haven't tried it, and I'm already furious!"

Concerned neighbor

★★★★★

"Finally, a way to tell my brother how I really feel!"

Middle child

★★★★★

"My son told me about this at Thanksgiving. I've never been prouder or more confused!"

Somebody's dad

★★★★☆

"I joined the waitlist out of spite. I'm still on it."

A man named Doug, presumably

★★★★★

"Would be dicked again!"

Anonymous recipient

★☆☆☆☆

"Absolutely not. Put me on the list."

HR department, off the record

★★☆☆☆

"Lacks focus and discipline. Will probably spend a lot of time in detention."

My fifth grade teacher

★★★★★

"I haven't tried it, and I'm already furious!"

Concerned neighbor

★★★★★

"Finally, a way to tell my brother how I really feel!"

Middle child

★★★★★

"My son told me about this at Thanksgiving. I've never been prouder or more confused!"

Somebody's dad

★★★★☆

"I joined the waitlist out of spite. I'm still on it."

A man named Doug, presumably

★★★★★

"Would be dicked again!"

Anonymous recipient

★☆☆☆☆

"Absolutely not. Put me on the list."

HR department, off the record

★★☆☆☆

"Lacks focus and discipline. Will probably spend a lot of time in detention."

My fifth grade teacher

These testimonials are fake. The dicks are real. (They're cartoons.)

Clip and mail! (Or just type your email.)

Send no money now!

Join the official Premature Member fan club!

You're early. Embarrassingly early. Members get:

★ A numbered membership, yours forever ★ First 100: first dibs on the Founding Member spots ★ First 1,000: a Premature Member card that can never be bought ★ Cut the line: every friend you bring moves you up 10 spots

I'm 18 or older.

Welcome, Premature Member ! Please conduct yourself accordingly.

Give a Dick! Official

Premature Member No. 0348

Issued: before it was cool Status: waiting, patiently, mostly

Reasons to give a dick

Reason #1 They microwaved fish in the office. Again.

Reason #2 Your brother still has your drill. You lent it to him in 2019.

Reason #3 The group chat has been silent for 9 days. Somebody has to.

Reason #4 They replied “k.” Just “k.”

Reason #5 They ate your leftovers. The ones with your name on them. In Sharpie.

Reason #6 Flowers die. A numbered cartoon dick is forever.

Reason #7 They said “you won’t.” You will.

Reason #8 Your fantasy league needs a trophy. And the last-place guy needs a reminder.

Reason #9 “Happy birthday 🎉” in the group chat is lazy. Be memorable.

Reason #10 They talked through the entire movie. Including the ending.

Reason #11 Your neighbor’s leaf blower. 7 a.m. Saturday. Enough said.

Reason #12 Words are hard. Dicks are universal.

Need more reasons? You don't. Get on the list.

FAQs

Why would I want to give someone a dick?

You're right. This probably isn't for you. You should get back to monitoring the hallway for people without passes, you f*cking narc.

Is this a real dick?

No. It's a cartoon. If you were hoping for a real one, that's between you and your browser history.

Will the dicks actually look as shitty as the ones on your site?

No. We know they suck, and we're working on it. Believe me, I'm as embarrassed as you are. I'll be talking to my therapist about it this week. In the meantime, if you want to submit a formal complaint, you're welcome to at ihatemylife@giveadick.com. Just FYI, my cousin Larry runs the customer satisfaction program, and he didn't graduate elementary school, so set expectations accordingly.

Is it NSFW?

It shows up wrapped. Nobody sees anything until they choose to open it. Opening it at work is a choice, and you made it.

Will they know it was me?

Only if you tell them, and you will, because you'll want credit.

Can I send one to my boss?

Technically yes. Spiritually, update your résumé first.

Do I have to be straight to give a dick?

Absolutely not. Our gay friends have been leading the way in dick innovation since the Roman Empire. We respect and admire your commitment to the cock. When others said no, you said more please, and that's something we can all respect.

Can collecting dicks become addictive?

Probably. We don't know for sure, but we're working on a 12-set program just in case. Step one: admit you need a golden member.

When does it launch?

Soon. Sooner if you stop asking. Premature Members hear first.

How much will they cost?

Some will be cheap, some will be super expensive. The fact that you asked means you probably can't afford one.

Do you have an Instagram?

No, we're not on any socials. I was on Facebook once. I lost all my friends, and my entire family blocked me. Then I tried Instagram and got banned for a few tasteful nudes and my "vulgar language," whatever that means. Pussies...

Who's this for?

Adults 18+ with friends who can take a joke. If your friends can't take a joke, get better friends, or see the first question.

Is this legal?

Yes. It's a cartoon, it stays wrapped until they open it, and it's opt-in. You're thinking of the guy who texts real ones. Don't be that guy.

Each dick sold separately. Batteries not included. Dick shown larger than actual size. Results may vary. Ages 18 and up. Parents: this is not for your kids. It's for you. Not actually poseable. Contents may settle during download.